Should I say something?
Dear Weslea,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and we’ve been living together for 4 of those years. A few months ago he was invited to one of his friend’s weddings (emphasis on HE). The invite came to OUR house, but only HIS name was on it. To make matters worse, the RSVP card specifically indicates that the guest list is tight and that people should only attend if their name is on the invite. I feel snubbed.
My boyfriend and I are practically married. 4 years we’ve been living together. I’m tempted to call the bride to see if it’s a mistake. But - if it’s not, I’ll be humiliated. I’m pretty certain that if people are living together its common knowledge that you invite both of them. I didn’t think you were supposed to pick and choose. What should I do?
-Angry in Nunda
Leave your comments below or call me at 222-WBEE
May 28th, 2008 at 10:47 am
The bride may be wrong not to invite you too, but you still have to respect her wishes.
I think calling to ask her about it or even showing up after she mentioned on the invitation that the guest list is tight is even more rude than her not inviting you.
Try to put yourself in her shoes. She is your boyfriend’s friend, not yours and money could be tight for them. They may have an amount set for this wedding that they can’t go over.
When my husband & I were married, we went through the same thing. We only invited close family and friends. It hurt me a little too because I have a big italian family w/2nd and 3rd cousins. But, we were on a very limited budget, I had my mother explain if everyone asked. Nobody was really upset and they understood.
That was 12 years ago. We are still happily married and have 3 kids.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Ok first off, if the guest list is tight you wouldn’t tell one half of a husband/wife couple to come and the other to stay home- so it should in effect be the same for you and your boyfriend since you have been together for 7 years. The only difference I would say would be if you and your boyfriend’s friend have never met, then the “snub” could be considered okay even if you have been together for a while. You are not married to him yet- so if you never met the friend it is almost understandable that to cut guests he would only invite his friend, not you. If you and your boyfriend feel so strongly, he should speak to his friend about inviting you as well - your bf could always pay for your dinner if money is the case- although not recommended, it is still an option to get you invited without stepping on toes.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:07 am
No, you should not say something. The key pharsein your e-mail is that you are “practically married”. After 7 years together; 4 yrs of living toghether, you cannot expect people to treat you in a more committed manner than you have treated one another. If you were married and the invitation was to only one of you, you then would have a leg to stand on.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I feel that your boyfriend shouldn’t go without you being with him. I wouldn’t call the bride either. I just couldn’t go where I wasn’t wanted. I would feel out of place and very awkward and so should he if he goes without you.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I know she said she would be humiliated if she asked and the answer was it was no mistake, however if she feels that way she can put the shoe on their foot. They can reply 2 are coming, and if it is a BIG problem I guess then they will have the conversation with them as to why only her boyfruiend was invited. They can play dumb that they thought it was for both of them. I think they should have respected their friendship and if they could truly only invite her boyfriend that they should have sat down or called prior to the invitations going out and told them before receiving the invitation. 10 years ago when I got married, we had an adult reception meaning NO KIDS! Well my husband told his brother before the invites even went out, as they have 2 children, the older one which is also my husbands Godson as well was 1 of our ring bearers, so naturally he was part of the wedding party and invited. Well it took FOREVER to get back their response card and when we got it, it said 3+ however the + was very faint. Welll we said something to my in-laws as well, and well guess what, they were all there for the reception even though the youngest wasn’t invited! Nice huh!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I think that Nunda needs to realize that this isn’t about her or her boyfriend. Most people have to draw the line with a wedding invite list and the bridal couple has made their decisions. Respect it. Be happy for them. Don’t take it personally. Recognize that they didn’t wake up one day conspiring on how to hurt you…this is about them, not you. Rene puts it eloquently when she says: “…you cannot expect people to treat you in a more committed manner than you have treated one another.”
May 28th, 2008 at 11:25 am
This happened to me as well!!! It was my boyfriend’s friends from high school. We were dating 6 years at the time, lived together as well. The invite was only to him. I expressed my thoughts and feelings to him. He chose not to go to the wedding. It is a decision he made on his own. They are still friends though. I just never said anything to them about it!!
PS. It isn’t proper etiquette! Look it up. If you are dating longer than 6 months then you are considered a long term couple, and you should both be invited. He is not single–irregardless if you aren’t yet married! And in that case-both of you should be included on the invitation (and invited)–not just him! Many issues. I felt snubbed too, but in all honesty–I didn’t want to go celebrate with them when they clearly didn’t want me there!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:25 am
It certainly is up to her boyfriend - I would not say anything - if he decides to go to the wedding he is in essence telling you that you don’t matter - then you have to decide if you want to stay with some one who holds you in such low esteem…….
May 28th, 2008 at 11:35 am
First off, I think it is tacky in the first place to put right on the invitation that the guest list is tight and that only the person invited should attend. Usually when you are planning a wedding, you invite people as couples. Even if that person is single, you address the invitation to the person and guest. You give them the option to bring a guest, whether it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a date. You don’t have to announce to everyone who receives an invitation that the guest list is tight. Keep that to yourself and to anyone who may ask.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:50 am
He should return the card and mark number attending “2″ and if the groom or bride has a problem with that they should contact him and he should say “you inadvertently left my girlfriend/significant other off and I wanted you to know I was not coming alone and if that is a problem I won’t be coming. Granted you are cutting back then if you have family bringing kids tell them they can attend the wedding but not the reception. It is adults only.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:26 am
What happened to the good old fashioned phone call? Your guy should just call up his friend & see if the omission of your name was just an oversight. He may not have had much to do with the actual making out of the invites & doesn’t even know you wren’t included. (Guys have been known to try to avoid this step). If you were intentionally omitted, that’s it. Accept it and get on with your life.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I think that it is very rude to invite half a couple, even if one half is closer to the couple than the other. When our daughter got married 4 years ago, it was suggested by the wedding coordinator where her reception was being held to have an “A”list and a “B” list. When you got the negative responses back from the A list, then you send out an invitation to someone on the B list. I thought this was rude also. We invited everyone we wanted and hoped for a positive response. How would you feel to be on the “B”ist?
May 29th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
First I would like to say that, IF by chance someone helped the bride with the invites, maybe they weren’t aware that he was in a relationship? With giving the bride that benefit of doubt, there should still have been an option for him to bring someone as a guest. As for what she should do, I think it is up to the boyfriend to bring it up to the bride and if it was a mistake then fix it, if it was not a mistake, that would be very rude and he should tell her he won’t be attending. He should stand by his girlfriend, not the bride.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I agree that the boyfriend should call his friend and ask about whether or not his girlfriend can attend. My niece encountered an extremely distressing situation when she had an invitation issue. Her mother-in-law insisted that she invite one of her (the mother-in-law’s) coworkers. Well, she did, and this coworker sent back the R.S.V.P. that 6 would be attending (only 2 were invited). What made matters even worse is that the wedding gift that they gave to my niece was a whopping $20! All of this from someone that she never wanted to invite in the first place!